The Avengers are a PR Nightmare
by i.eat.sugar.for.breakfast
Summary: Most groups have a PR manager. The Avengers have twelve. (Pairings include: Clint/Phil, Steve/Tony, Jane/Thor, Bruce/Natasha, Fury/alcohol, but for now they're all implied at best.)
1. The Avengers are Potty Mouths

**This is actually several different stories, but they all take place in the same universe, so for simplicity's sake, they're all going to be in one story.**

**They're really fun to write, and I hope you like them too.**

* * *

"Reporters have very sensitive microphones," Coulson said with no preamble, walking into the kitchen in the tower.

The Avengers exchanged glances. "Oh?" Tony asked.

"Yes, they do. And with these very sensitive microphones, they can hear people calling Doctor Doom a cocksucker."

"I stand by that decision," Clint said.

Natasha smacked him upside the head. "So what's the problem? Did the public think we were PG?"

Coulson turned his gaze upon her. "As a matter of fact, that's exactly what they thought. The children anyway."

"Why don't they just bleep it?"

"You may not know this, but a lot of news stations have live coverage of the battles that take place in the city."

Steve winced. "We're sorry, Agent."

"I appreciate the sentiment, Captain, but the PR department has already taken measures to make sure it doesn't happen again." He opened the folder he was carrying and handed each of them a sheet of paper.

"What's this?"

"A naughty word list?" Tony said incredulously. "What are we, children?"

Coulson glanced at him. "Do you want me to answer that?"

He rolled his eyes. "And they seriously think this is going to work?"

"Director Fury does. In fact, he's asked me to inform you that if he catches wind of a situation like this again, this tower and everything in it will go to the Fantastic Four."

Tony hissed. He actually, properly hissed.

"What's so bad about the Fantastic Four?" Steve, poor, naive Steve, asked.

"Nothing really," Bruce said. "Tony just doesn't like them. Especially Dr. Richards."

Clint scoffed. "Can you blame him? Richards is a douchebag. Johnny Storm though..." He fanned himself with his copy of the list.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Coulson said. "Read the list. Learn it, love it, live it."

"Did the PR department tell you to say that?"

"They did."

* * *

Less than a week later, Coulson was back with a new list. "The Director was not impressed with your language and has ordered a new list made."

"But we didn't use any of the words on the first one!" Clint said, reaching a hand out to poke Coulson's butt as he walked by.

Coulson sidestepped him. "You didn't, but this was by no means better. It may actually have been worse."

Bruce thanked Coulson as he handed him the new list. "Wow. Are you always like this? At least the Other Guy limits himself to shouting smash at everything. What's a 'gigantic nipple bottom experiment' supposed to be?"

"Scientists who splice their DNA with a crocodile's, just to see what happens. That's what they're supposed to be," Tony said. "Okay, 'colon diarrhea wiper' was mine, but who came up with 'diaper-wearing butt hole lover?'"

Clint raised his hand. "Guilty."

Coulson smacked him with his folder.

"Why does it just say 'anything in Mandarin' here?" Steve asked. Everybody turned to Natasha.

She rolled her eyes. "Not everything in a foreign language has to be me. Stark was quoting Firefly."

"Oh yeah," he said, fondly remembering it.

Coulson felt the beginnings of a migraine.


	2. Iron Santa and the Elf-vengers

**I wrote this in a stroke of genius (madness) at around one in the morning and posted it a few hours later on Christmas Eve. And, yes, I did use the first and last lines from The Night Before Christmas and tweak them to fit my purposes.**

**This one was inspired by the song "I Am Santa Claus" by Bob Rivers, which is my new favorite Christmas song.**

* * *

'Twas the day before Christmas and in Avengers Tower, Steve had an idea that caused Tony to glower.

"Come on, Tony, think of the children!"

Clint shot a marshmallow at him with a rubber band. "Yeah, Stark. Think of the children."

"Absolutely not," Tony said. "Bruce, back me up here."

"Well," Bruce said, "it is a nice idea."

Tony rolled his eyes. "It's a disaster waiting to happen, that's what it is. Does Coulson know you want to do this?"

"I approved it," Coulson said, appearing of nowhere.

"You want to surround me with impressionable children? You don't even trust me with my robots, and I built them."

"In our defense, you accidentally made the microwave radioactive once," Steve said. "We ate cold pizza for weeks after that."

Tony pointed at him with his fork. "That was not my fault. Jarvis ordered the wrong part and I ended up with uranium, which is excessive, Steve, and we do not need that. I do not need uranium."

"Well there goes your Christmas present," Bruce said sarcastically.

"Who is this Santa Claus?" Thor asked, changing the subject in that special way only he knew how to do. "A mighty warrior, perhaps?"

"Hold on, big guy," Natasha said. She grabbed the nearest tablet — because seriously, this was Tony's tower, the damn things were everywhere — and pulled up a Google image search of Santa Claus.

"Surely you jest! The Man of Iron is nothing like this!"

"There we go, Thor's on my side!" Tony said. "Up high." Thor gave him a high five and Tony winced, shaking his arm out. "Okay, that was a horrible idea."

"So you'll do it?" Steve gave him his best puppy dog expression.

"Gah, fine!"

"Did you just say 'gah?'" Clint said.

Coulson smacked him.

* * *

The children burst into applause as the music kicked in and Tony flew into the orphanage, wearing a Santa suit, complete with beard, over the armor. "Merry Christmas!" he said.

"Merry Christmas, Iron Man!" the kids chorused.

"Have you all been good this year?"

"Yes!"

Tony smiled to himself. "In that case, the Elf-vengers and I have some presents for you!" He gestured off to the side where the rest of the Avengers, dressed as elves, were carrying in bags of gifts.

"I hate you," said Coulson, who was dressed as Rudolph.

"Think of the children, Agent," he said mockingly. Then louder, "Kids, meet Coulson the Red Nosed SHIELD Agent!"

"Hi, Coulson!" the kids said.

Tony handed a camera to one of the orphanage workers. "Do you think you could take pictures of everything for me? It would mean a lot." A lot of blackmail material, anyway.

"Of course," she said, giving him a warm smile.

"Thanks so much," he said. He went back over to the large chair that had been set up and sat down. "Who's first?" he asked the children.

Over the next hour, the kids came up and sat on his (well-padded) lap, telling him their Christmas wishes before one of the other Avengers gave him or her a couple of presents. If Tony was honest with himself like he so rarely was, he almost cried a few times. He was just allergic to the sadness of children.

After all the presents were gone, the Avengers went back to the tower for some cocoa.

"That wasn't so bad, was it, Tony?" Steve asked.

Tony sipped his cocoa and reflected on the afternoon. "No, Steve, I guess it wasn't. The kids seemed to like the Elf-vengers."

Then Clint started throwing marshmallows at him and he tried to hide behind the couch.

And he heard Steve exclaim as he dove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

* * *

**Now we're all caught up to what's posted on AO3, so the updates won't come as often. It'll be like Texting and Scones if you read that. Updates come when I finish the chapters.**


	3. 140 Characters or Less

**I'm actually really bad at remembering to update this. This one's been up for three days now. Could've been worse, I guess.**

**Though they're all pretty easy to guess, here is a list of everybody's handles:**

**Tony Stark TheStarkOne**  
**Steve Rogers ConfusedCap**  
**Bruce Banner ScientistBruce**  
**The Hulk TheOfficialHulk**  
**Thor Odinson GodAwesomeHair**  
**Clint Barton BadassBirdMan**  
**Natasha Romanoff BlackWidowAveng**  
**Phil Coulson SHIELDnanny**  
**Pepper Potts SuperlativePA**  
**Darcy Lewis ipodsntasers**  
**Nick Fury nickmofofury**

**Also, fun fact, all of those are real. (They were at the time I wrote this anyway; not sure if they're still active) None of them are mine, but they are in fact real. Every. Damn. One of them. Even the Hulk's. And CNN.**

* * *

(ConfusedCap) In an effort to boost our public image, all of the Avengers have been given Twitter accounts. (395 retweets)

(BlackWidowAveng) ConfusedCap This is going to be a disaster.

(BadassBirdMan) BlackWidowAveng ConfusedCap I'll get the popcorn. (824 retweets)

* * *

(TheStarkOne) Watching Say Yes to the Dress makes me want to try on wedding dresses. #ialwayscry (560 retweets)

(SuperlativePA) TheStarkOne Did your account get hacked again?

(TheStarkOne) SuperlativePA Yes, by women whose special days are going to be magnificent! (732 retweets)

* * *

(ScientistBruce) I hate #SHIELD TheOfficialHulk (1,965 retweets)

* * *

(SHIELDnanny) ipodsntasers is no longer allowed to visit BadassBirdMan

(BadassBirdMan) SHIELDnanny ipodsntasers #CoulsonIsABuzzkill (1,472 retweets)

(SHIELDnanny) BadassBirdMan ipodsntasers RT CNN: Hawkeye and accomplice trash NYC strip club. /5dTgj3M

(ipodsntasers) SHIELDnanny BadassBirdMan oops?

(BadassBirdMan) SHIELDnanny ipodsntasers #CoulsonIsABuzzkill is trending! (185 retweets)

(SHIELDnanny) BadassBirdMan ipodsntasers #ClintIsSleepingOnTheCouch (2,538 retweets)

* * *

(GodAwesomeHair) The Man of Iron has arranged for me to go on a tour of the Pop Tart factory. (837 retweets)

(GodAwesomeHair) He is much nicer than a Frost Giant. (1,024 retweets)

* * *

(ConfusedCap) TheStarkOne What's a #stony and why is it the second trending topic behind #ClintIsSleepingOnTheCouch? (624 retweets)

(TheStarkOne) ConfusedCap My minions have failed! Guess whose followers arent getting StarkPhones. #youdisappointme

(ConfusedCap) TheStarkOne Never mind, I'll ask Pepper.

* * *

(BadassBirdMan) Welcome aboard the S.S. No Friends, this is your captain speaking. (2,835 retweets)

(BadassBirdMan) If I was married to myself I would buy myself flowers and cheetos and underwear and it would be romantic. (1,790 retweets)

(BadassBirdMan) IDK man, I just like food. (1,916 retweets)

(BadassBirdMan) Why are pants (2,051 retweets)

(BlackWidowAveng) BadassBirdMan Are you okay?

(BadassBirdMan) BlackWidowAveng *swan dives into pile of underwear* (439 retweets)

(BadassBirdMan) Tony hacked my Twitter. Justice will be done. (1,962 retweets)

* * *

(TheStarkOne) I wanna be a bottle blonde. (692 retweets)

(TheStarkOne) I don't know why, but I feel conned. (315 retweets)

(TheStarkOne) I wanna be an idle teen. (835 retweets)

(TheStarkOne) I wish I hadn't been so clean. (649 retweets)

* * *

(SHIELDnanny) BadassBirdMan is grounded from Twitter after hacking into Starks account and posting Marina and the Diamonds lyrics nonstop for three hours (835 retweets)

(BadassBirdMan) SHIELDnanny I regret nothing. (2,714 retweets)

* * *

(BlackWidowAveng) I've been instructed by Coulson to tell a lighthearted story.

(BlackWidowAveng) However, I don't know any lighthearted stories, so I'll make one up.

(BlackWidowAveng) Once upon a time, there was a spider who was friends with a hawk.

(BlackWidowAveng) The hawk was very annoying and the spider couldn't remember why she was friends with him in the first place.

(BlackWidowAveng) One day the hawk was bugging the spider while she was reading her favorite book and she killed him. This was based on a true story. (625 retweets)

(BadassBirdMan) BlackWidowAveng Luckily the real story had a much happier ending!

* * *

(nickmofofury) Fuck this was a bad idea.


End file.
